Show me that little dance
you-all be doing.

- I told y’all to stop running in here.
- Yes, ma’am.

I’m gonna smack one
of you now, you hear?

Them pants cost $ .
baby, you hear?

See that chocolate cake
I bought?

The chocolate cake
that was on the counter?

- Yeah.
- Well, check Cousin Cecil’s pockets.

He probably got it in there with the
turkey leg and the sweet potato pie.

Hey, little brother. Show me that
little dance you-all be doing.

Get down, Lester, you is talking!

You move like you’re .

That dance ain’t new. It ain’t nothing
but the old shuffle-butt.

Well, show me that move.

Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

Can’t you see the kids
are trying to put a show on there?

Lester, she ain’t your mama.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Junior!

Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

Come on, baby.
Sing a song for Grandma.

- That’s my granddaughter.
- That’s my niece.

Mama, I got a joke.

Little Eddie got a joke to tell.
Go on, Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie.

I got a joke to tell.

Once there was a lion
and a monkey.

The monkey said,
“I can make the weather change.”

And the lion said,
“No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started
climbing up the tree.

And then he started peeing
on the lion’s head.

“Now it’s raining!”

Then he started farting.

“Now there’s thunder!”
Then he started doo-dooing.

“Now it’s snowing!”

So the lion said, “Oh, yeah?
Well, I can make the stars come out.”

And then he kicked him
in the ding-ding.

Thank you.

I love that doo-doo line.
That boy’s got talent.

My favorite movie is Trading Places.

- Hrs. Has to be.
- Trading Places.

- Beverly Hills Cop.
- Delirious.

- Beverly Hills Cop.
- No, Hrs.

- All of them.
- Hrs.

- All of them.
- Hrs.

I even liked Best Defense.

I’m looking forward to seeing
him in that leather suit.

- I’m telling you, that behind and all.
- Yeah, he’s looking sexy.

- He looks good.
- Handsome.

Thank you.

Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.
Cool out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

And hello, New York City!

Thank you for coming out.

Don’t let the lights and cameras
throw y’all.

We filming a movie here tonight
and y’all gonna be in this shit.

Except only I’m getting paid
for the motherfucker.

Every now and then
I take a joke too far.

That’s why I haven’t been
on the road the last three years.

Did y’all see Delirious?

In Delirious, I was making fun
out of a lot of entertainers too.

That’s when I got scared.
I did some jokes about Mr. T.

And Mr. T was gonna fuck Ed up.
He was…

And I was scared,
because y’all seen Mr. T.

He don’t look like, you know,
like he can’t fight.

He looks like he can
whip some ass, right?

And I was petrified. I would walk
at parties and people say:

“Yo, man, Mr. T was just here
looking for you.”

He was walking up
to people saying:

“I’m gonna whip Eddie Murphy’s ass
when I see him.”

Then I watched his show,
because I didn’t know him,

to see what kind of guy he was,

and the character on the show
ain’t too bright.

So I figured if he came up to me,
I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

Mr. T walk up and go, “I heard
you did some jokes about me.”

“No, you didn’t.”
“Maybe I didn’t.”

“I’m gonna go beat up the fool
that told me them lies.”

I’d be at parties,
hear he was looking for me,

I would just leave.
I don’t wanna fight Mr. T.

Then I found out Michael Jackson
was looking for me. I was like…

When Mike…
My manager called me up and said:

“Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad.”
I was like, “So?”

You know, because I’d fuck Mike up.
You know, Mike…

Mike don’t weigh but a buck-oh-five,
you know.

I bust that ass on Mike. I was looking
for him, but my manager said:

“We don’t know everything
about Michael.

“He might be this bad motherfucker
behind closed doors.

“He’s a recluse. Behind closed doors,
he might be completely different.”

And I’d be at a party and have
Michael walk up to me one day

and it’d be like this:

“Can I talk to you for a minute?

“Yeah, what’s your motherfucking
problem, man?

“Well, how come you keep
fucking with me then, huh?

“What’s all the motherfucking jokes?
You don’t like my clothes?

“I’m Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,
I will bust your ass.

“Get the fuck out, motherfucker…

“I will moonwalk all up and down
your ass, motherfucker.

“You mind your
motherfucking business.

“I hear some more shit,
I’m gonna put this glove up your ass.

“I’ll see you later.”

That’s a dumb…
I could never…

I’ve been trying for five months
to do the moonwalk

and I can’t do the shit. It’s shitty.

It’s the dumbest dance ever,
because I can’t do it,

that’s why I say it’s stupid.

But how can you do the moonwalk
and ask a woman to dance?

Be at a party, say, “Hey, baby,
come on, let’s dance. See you later.”

Do the moonwalk. That’s some stupid
shit. Michael can do that shit, though.

Michael’s so famous,

Michael went on TV and everything
he says, the public believes.

Went on television and said:

“I don’t have sex because
of my religious beliefs.”

And the public believed it.

I know brothers were like,
“Get the fuck out of here.”

And white people go, “That Michael’s
a special kind of guy.

“He’s special. I mean, he’s good,
clean and wholesome.”

You know how I knew y’all believed it?

Y’all didn’t get mad when he took
Brooke Shields to the Grammys.

Nobody white said shit.

And Brooke Shields
is the whitest woman in America.

Miss America every year is Brooke.
Fuck who you see with the crown.

You look up “white woman”
in the dictionary,

be a picture of Brooke like this:

She’s white.

And this nigger took her
to the Grammys, nobody said shit.

If I took Brooke Shields
to the Grammys,

y’all would lose your mind.

Because y’all know Brooke
would get fucked that night.

And Brooke knew too.

That’s why we going this year.
No…

Stop. Now, see?
I did jokes about…

I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals
a couple years ago

and faggots were mad.
They were like…

And they were… There’s nothing like
having a nation of fags looking for you.

I’d be at parties… There’s always
two or three at a party.

They’d be standing around looking
at you, they’d be looking at…

“He’s an asshole.”

I can’t travel the country
freely no more.

I can’t go to San Francisco.

They got -hour homo watch
waiting for me in the airport.

Soon as I got off the plane,
they’d be like:

“He’s here, yes. Yes, it’s him.
Yes, it’s him!”

And the cars would come rushing
across town. It’d be:

And it won’t be no siren, it’ll be
a real fag sitting on the roof going:

“Pull over. Pull over.

“Pull over.
I’m gonna read him his rights.

“You have the right to remain silent.

“Anything you say can and will
be held against you.

“You have the right to an attorney.
Turn around. I’m gonna frisk you.

“You carrying any concealed
weapons?

“Are you carrying…?
What is this? What is this?

“Lay down on the floor
and spread them.”

- Do you watch the Bill Cosby Show?
- Yeah!

I do too.
I love Bill Cosby’s show.

I been a big fan of Bill Cosby
all my life.

Never met the man before,
but he called me up about a year ago

and chastised me on the phone
for being too dirty on-stage.

It was real weird,
because I had never met him

and he just thought it was… He should
call me up, because he was Bill,

and tell me that he did…
About what comedy is all about.

And I sat and listened
to this man chastise me.

And when Bill Cosby chastises you,
you forget you grown.

You feel like one of
the Cosby kids and shit.

And I ran in the house
all excited to talk to Bill

and picked up the telephone
and Bill got raw on me.

I was like, “Hello, Mr. Cosby?”
And you hear:

“I would like to talk to you…

“…about some of the things
that you do in your show.

“Now, I’m going to tell you a story.”
He always tells you stories.

“I would like to tell you a story.
I have five children.

“One, two, three, four, five.
Five… Five children.

“I live in Massachusetts with my wife,
Camille, and my five children.

“Now, of the five children that we have,
there are four girls and a boy.

“The boy’s name is Ennis.
He loves everything you do.

“Comes home from school
the other day

“with a big smile on his face.
And my son looks just like me.

“He walks through the door,
looking at me with this big smile,

“and I cannot resist, because
it’s such a beautiful smile.

“And he walks up and I say,
‘What are you smiling about? ‘

“And the child says to me:

‘I’m smiling because I need money
to go see the Eddie Murphy show.

‘Please give me money for a ticket.’

“Now, if the child is smiling this way
because he needs money for a ticket,

“I have to give him money
for a ticket.

“I do not handle the money
in the house.

“My wife, Camille,
handles the ticket money.

“So I must go into the kitchen,

“to where my wife is cooking dinner
for the family.

“And she is inside
the kitchen cooking.

“And she’s got a bowl.

“And she’s cooking up the food, man.
She’s cooking it up.

“And the child walks in the room
with the smile

“and he says,
‘Mother, please, money.’

“She gives him the money,
he runs off to see your show.

“Now, we sit in the living room
waiting for Ennis to return.

“At about : in the morning,
the child comes through the door.

“He has a different look on his face.

“A look like he heard something at your
show that he’s never heard before.

“And I say to my child,
I say, ‘Child… ‘

“I say, ‘What did the man say
on the stage? ‘

“And he says, ‘Pop, the man
comes out and says these things.’

“I say, ‘Well, what did he say? ‘

‘Pop, he comes out
and says some stuff.’

“I say, ‘What did he do? ‘

‘Pop, he walks out and he goes:

“Hello, suck this, and MF
and kiss my big black stuff.

“And suck it and stick it down
in your mouth and suck it, suck it.”‘

“You cannot say filth, flarn, filth,
flarn, filth in front of people.”

And I say, “I never said
no ‘filth, flarn, filth’.”

“You know what I’m talking about.

“I can’t use the type of language
that you use,

“but you know what I mean when
I say ‘filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth’.”

I say, “I never said ‘filth, flarn, filth’.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m offended you called. Fuck you.”

That’s when Bill got pissed and said:

“That’s what I’m talking about.
You cannot say ‘fuck’…

“…in front of people.”

And I got mad.

Because he thought
that was my whole act.

Like I just walked out on-stage
and cursed and left.

I manage to stick in some
jokes between the curses.

You couldn’t give no curse show.
Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum,

“motherfucker, dick, pussy,
snot and shit. Good night.

“Good night. Suck my dick.
Bye-bye.”

I was pissed off. I was so mad
I called Richard Pryor’s house up.

I said, “Yo, Richard,
Bill Cosby just called me up

“and told me I was too dirty.”
Richard said:

“The next time motherfucker call,
tell him I said, ‘Suck my dick.’

“I don’t give a fuck.

“Whatever the fuck make
the people laugh, say that shit.”

He said, “Do people laugh
when you say what you say?”

I said, “Yes.”
“Do you get paid?” I said, “Yes.”

He said, “Well, tell Bill I said:

‘Have a Coke and a smile
and shut the fuck up.’

“The Jell-O pudding-eating
motherfucker.”

Richard… Richard is the rawest
motherfucker in show business.

Richard’s the one that made me
wanna do comedy.

When I was little, I wanted to be
Richard Pryor so bad I used to…

Remember, you’d sneak in
the basement, put his albums on,

and your mother ain’t
supposed to hear,

and you’re listening to this shit
and I turned it…

I wanted to be Richard so bad, I used
to go out on-stage when I was

and talk and act and walk
and do everything like Richard.

My mother would sit there and watch
her -year-old son on-stage

saying some outlandish shit.

My whole act back then
was about taking a shit,

because that’s all I had done at .

That was my life experience,
but it sounded like Pryor jokes.

I’d be going, “You ever, sometime,
right, you get on that toilet

“and when you shit,
that water splash up on your ass?

“Don’t that make you mad, right?
You know what really make me mad?

“It’s when shit come
halfway out your ass,

“then go back up
in that motherfucker.

“Right? Why do shit be teasing
your ass, right?

“Just get the fuck out, right?

“You know what really bother me

“is when you be straining
for a long time, right?

“And one little pebble shit come out.

“Right? Be some shit this big, right?

“Push your head
up your asshole, say:

‘That’s all the shit I’m gonna get,
motherfucker? ‘

“You know what really
make me mad,

“when your ass
don’t cooperate with you

“and clench up
and break the shit in half.

“You be mad
as a motherfucker too,

“because you know
you got to wipe your ass

“for, like, five hours and shit, right?

“Use rolls of toilet paper
on that motherfucker.

“You know what really make me mad,
though, is afterwards, right?

“You done all the shitting you
gonna do for the whole day, right?

“You finish shitting and you flush
the toilet and wait a second

“and one chunk come back.

“What does that chunk want?”

That was my act.
My mother sit there shocked.

If you don’t speak English,
you can’t hear that bit.

All you hear is “shit, ass, shit, shit.”

I got a lot of foreigners
that come over.

People from other countries have seen
my films and come over to the U.S.,

because New York
is a tourist place,

and they get HBO
and they catch Delirious

and they can’t speak English
and try to do my act

and all they got is the curses.

I got foreigners from all over
walking up, going:

“Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!

“Fuck you, Eddie.

“I know you. I see you on television.

“You’re the ‘fuck you’ man, right?

“I love it. Suck my dick, huh?

“Suck it, you black motherfucker.

“I love it. The best motherfucker.
The ‘fuck you’ man.”

Made me stay in the house, man.
Almost got married last year.

Don’t you “ooh” and “aah”.

Got to get married in the ‘ s.
I read the papers.

I said, “Fuck this, I’m getting out.”

Hey, you know, read.
You can catch some shit.

You can’t just keep messing around
like you used to.

Eventually, your dick will fall off.

Remember…? Remember, like,
VD in the ‘ s?

That shit don’t just sting no more.
Every time they cure something,

it come back stronger.
VD is new and improved now.

They got dudes in the doctor’s office
with symptoms like, “Excuse me, doc,

“what does it mean when you
go to the bathroom

“and fire shoot out your dick?”

“Let me get this right.
So you’re getting a burning sensation

“when you urinate?”

“No, fire shoot out my dick, is all.

“A burst of flame fly out my dick
when I pee.

“I can’t even pee in the house, I burn
my house down. I gotta go outside.

“I was outside peeing,
dude tried to mug me,

“I turned around and burned him up
on the street.

“Because my dick is a blowtorch,
is what I’m trying to say.”

Got to be careful.
They say having casual sex nowadays

is like playing Russian roulette.

And I know I’ve thrown my dick
on the crap table many a night.

Looking for Miss Right,
you be gambling every time.

You gambling with your dick, saying,
“Come on, need a woman with a mind.

“Come on, now. I need somebody
perfect for me. Give it to me, now!

“Oh, shit. Fat, bucktoothed bitch.
No, give me my dick back. No.

“I’m gonna keep rolling.
I got one more roll in me.

“I want the perfect woman, now.
I want somebody with a mind,

“intelligence, a nice ass and a body.
Give it to me, now!

“Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.
No, give my dick back.

“Give my dick back.
Now, listen, be quiet.

“I’m gonna keep rolling.
This is my last roll.

“This is the last one.
This is the one for me.

“Miss Right. Blow on this for luck.

“This is my last roll.
Come on. Here we go.

“Give it to me, now!
Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.

“My dick is fucked up.
My dick is ruined.”

So be careful. Get married.

I went out and found
the perfect woman.

Nineteen years old. Beautiful face.
A virgin. Nobody ever fucked her.

And had an ass like this:

And her legs are like:
Her titties are like:

She was so fine. She’s one
of the people that’s so fine,

when you see them,
they make you ugly.

You be like, “Goddamn,
who is that motherfucker?”

She was fine.
I went, I cut all my girls off.

I said, “That’s it, I’m getting married.
This is it. Gonna be me and her.”

I was so happy. And I went out
and I went shopping.

And I was waiting on the line
and I saw the Enquirer magazine

while I was waiting on the line

and I saw Johnny Carson
on the front page.

There was a picture of him like this:

Then I said, “What’s up with Johnny?”
I turned to the inside story

and his wife was on the other page
and she was like this:

And over her head it said, “Johnny’s
wife wants half Johnny’s money.”

I turned that shit back to Johnny.

Then I started thinking about it.
Half.

If you… If you have $

and have to give somebody
$ . you’d be upset.

Johnny had to have
at least million.

And have to give up $ million?

And they wasn’t even married
but ten years.

And $ million? Get…

Give me a fucking break.
What…? What…?

And ladies… Now, here’s a woman
right here saying, “Right on.”

Baby, that’s not fair.
Not no million.

I see a lot of you ladies going:

“Get all the money you can, shit.
I’m glad she did get all that money.

“She earned it. She earned it.
That… You damn right.

“She was married to him,
she deserved that money.”

Get the fuck out of my face
with that bullshit.

No. Stop it.

No, don’t get me wrong.

If you marry somebody
and neither one of you have anything

and you build million together,
you deserve half.

But Johnny was million in
when they met.

And I’m quite sure she knew.

Johnny says, “Hey, I’m Johnny.”

She was like, “I know who you are,
motherfucker.”

And they got married, broke up,
shit didn’t work out.

And then he had to give her
$ million of his money.

I know a lot of housewives
sitting out there going:

“You can’t put a price on what I do.”

But, ladies, if you marry a man
with $ million,

you ain’t no regular housewife. You
ain’t got to clean the house no more.

You get a maid.
You ain’t cleaning shit!

You marry a man with $ million,
you ain’t cooking. You’re eating out.

You marry… You know how a lot of
housewives gotta get jobs on the side

to help make ends meet?

He got million, the ends
are meeting like a motherfucker.

What you gonna do, get a job at
a boutique on the weekends and shit?

And say, “Here, Johnny.
I made $ put that with the rest.

“Now we have $ million and .

“Because I want to do my share.”
No.

All you have to do, you marry
a man with $ million,

is fuck your husband.

That’s it! That’s your job.

Fuck your husband! That’s it.
That’s… Just fuck your husband.

You fill out a W-
they say, “What you do?”

You say, “I fuck my husband.”
That’s it.

And I’ve had my share of pussy.

I have yet…
Even if the pussy was great

and sparks shot out
the woman’s ass

and cannons blared
and the mountains crumbled

and the seas roared,

no pussy is worth $ million!

No pussy.

I’d like to meet some pussy like that.

Put the shit on layaway.

That shit scared the shit out of me.
Half? I was petrified.

Man, you know what’s real scary

is that American women in the ‘ s
have become very business-conscious.

Y’all the most resourceful

and the most business-smart
women on the planet. Now, in the ‘ s.

And it would be an asset to us,
as American men,

if you weren’t so vindictive.

Because the two don’t match.

Then, what’s really fucked up,
is y’all the most loving people.

American women
are all off into this romance

and they genuinely
fall in love with you.

Now, love and money do not mix.
The shit don’t mix.

Especially if you got
a business-smart woman…

You go up and say, “I never met
anybody like you before.”

“I never met anyone like you.”
“Why don’t we be together.”

“Will you marry me?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”

“Before we get married, why don’t
you sign this prenuptial agreement.”

“What do you mean,
a prenuptial agreement?”

“That’s a contract that stipulates
if we ever break up,

“you take what you had
and I take what I had.”

“First of all, I don’t give a fuck who
you are and what you have, OK?

“You got a lot of motherfucking nerve
by asking me to sign a contract.

“There’s nothing a man can do
for me that I can’t do for myself.

“You got a whole lot of…
I love you.

“Telling me to sign a contract
to show that I love you?

“If I need something, I can go to my
family. My family takes care of me.”

And men hear all that shit
and we be like this, “OK.

“We don’t need no contract.”

And you don’t get a contract
and get married without one

and the shit don’t work out
and you break up a year later.

She’s sitting around
in the kitchen by herself, mad,

trying to figure out a way
to get even with your ass.

“I can’t believe that motherfucker
did this to me!

“After all the shit I did…

“All the things I did for that
motherfucker, he do this to me?

“Him and his fat bitch
can kiss my ass!

“I don’t give a shit about
either one of them.

“I don’t want shit from him or her
and I don’t care.

“You know something? You know
what I should…? You know…?

“Half!

“I’ll take half his shit!”

And they’ll get it.

They’ll get half your money,
your house, your car, alimony,

child support and your children.

You will be on the cover
of the Enquirer like this:

So be careful!

I started having nightmares.

I was waking up in the middle
of the night like this: “Half!”

Because I’m into American women.
I like American women.

I got a friend
got a Japanese girlfriend.

And Japanese women are
the most docile women on the planet.

They’re real… They’re real timid,
timid, timid, timid women.

I walked in the house
and his friend, Japanese girl,

bowed to me when I walked in.

I said, “What’s wrong
with your wife’s back and shit?”

He said, “That’s a Japanese thing.
They bow.”

And I was like,
“Miss, did you decorate the house?”

She looked at her husband,
he did like this:

“You may speak.”
And she spoke.

And I was like, “Now, that’s
pussy control for you, there.”

You know, because I’m used
to American women saying:

“You don’t own me.”

“Hey, baby, where you going?”

“Excuse me?”
“I said, where you going?”

“You don’t own me.”

“You my woman, ain’t you?”
“I don’t see no rings on these fingers.

“Are you gonna put a ring
on this finger?

“Well, I…”
“Then you don’t own me then, OK?

“I don’t give a fuck
who you are or what you have, OK?

“You got a whole lot of nerve,
come and ask me where I’m going.

“I don’t answer to my father,
I ain’t gonna answer to no man.

“Ain’t no man gonna tell me
where I can go.

“Who do you think you are?

“To come and ask me where
I’m going? Nobody owns me.

“I own myself.
I am my own person.”

And we hear all that shit,
then be, “OK.”

“Well, where you gonna be?”
“I’m gonna be where I’m at!

“You don’t own me!”
Well, you don’t.

You don’t own your woman.
“You gonna put a ring on my finger?”

That shuts you right up.
You say, “OK.”

I know you spend a lot of your money
on your woman.

And I know you go to the movies
and you go to get the ice cream

and the candy and the flowers
and the anklets and the bracelets

and help her get some clothes.

You spending all your money
on shit you ain’t never spent it on.

But you don’t own her.

Because theoretically,
that pussy’s on lease.

You’re leasing the pussy.
With an option to buy.

But be careful, because
you lose half on the trade-in.

You got to be careful.
You gotta have a J-O-B in the ‘ s.

You gotta have some money,
you can’t get no pussy.

Listen to the radio.
That’s what it’s about.

Listen to Madonna.
“I’m a material girl in a material world,

“you ain’t got no money,
you can’t have no pussy.”

There’s a song out now called

“Got to Have a J-O-B
If You Wanna Be With Me.”

And the lyrics go,
“Ain’t nothing going on but the rent.”

Like if you went up and said:

“Hey, baby, what’s going on?”
“The rent, motherfucker.”

“You have a job?” “Well, I…”
“Then get the fuck out my face.”

Got to have some money. It says,
“No romance without finance.”

And women love them songs.
They be going:

Got to have a J-O-B
If you wanna be with me

Janet Jackson got a hit record:

“What Have You Done
For Me Lately”.

That’s what they thinking.
“What have you done for me lately?”

The record start off like that.

“I know he used to do shit for you,
but what has he done for you lately?”

“Baby, I love you.”
“What have you done for me lately?”

“You the only thing on my mind.”
“What have you done for me lately?”

“We make good love.”
“What have you done for me lately?”

Got to have some money
to get some pussy in the ‘ s.

It’s fucked up, that’s why I say,
hey, I’m a target.

If I ever get married, I have to go off
to the woods of Africa

and find me some crazy,
naked, zebra bitch…

…that knows nothing about money.
She got to be butt naked on a zebra

with a big bone in her nose
and a big plate lip

and a big, fucked-up Afro!

Her Afro… Afro gotta…
Like, Angela Davis see it and go:

“Goddamn, that’s some
fucked-up shit.”

Afro gotta be fucked up

and one of them picks
with a fist in the back.

And she gotta be butt naked,
because if she got clothes,

she gonna have to put
something in the pockets.

She’s gotta be butt naked on
the zebra. And y’all think it’s a joke.

I’m gonna walk up and say,
“Hey, how you doing? My name’s…”

And she go:

I say, “Miss Murphy. Miss Murphy.”
And I’m gonna bring her home.

Y’all gonna go past a newsstand one
day and see me on the cover of JET

with some woman with a big bone
and a plate and a big, fucked-up Afro,

butt naked, and y’all gonna say,
“Eddie must be visiting Africa.”

Lt’ll say, “Murphy Marries Bush Bitch.”
I’m gonna be like:

What?

What?

Because I ain’t getting caught.

I refuse to get caught out there.
Fuck that.

And I’m gonna bring her home
and lock her up in the house.

You go off to Africa
and get you a bush woman,

you can’t let her mingle
with American women.

Because they’ll change her shit up.

American women stick together.
Last thing they wanna see

is you got some trained
bush bitch in your house.

They will catch her by herself
in the kitchen

and throw a monkey wrench
in your whole program.

They get her alone, they be like,
“I can’t stand the way you be

“doing everything he tell you to do.
You a human being.

“This house is too big for one person
to clean. Why don’t you leave?

“You always crying. Just leave him.
You know something?

“Do you know you could take half
his money? Did you know that?

“He didn’t tell you
you were entitled to half?

“He only told you half the story.

“You can take half the money,
the car, the house, the children.

“You can buy all the zebras
and bones you want.

“Go back home in style, girl.
And get your hair done right.

“Cut that Afro off, go back home
in style. Who the hell he think he is?

“Let me tell you about Eddie Murphy.

“That motherfucker ain’t nothing but…
Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?

“Oh, I didn’t know you was here.
You scared me.

“No, I can’t stay. I was just talking
to Uhmfufu about a couple of things.

“No, no, no, I got to go. I got to…
You two… Y’all two lovebirds talk.

“Eddie, talk to your…
Talk to Uhmfufu.

“Y’all got a lot to talk about. Go on,
Eddie. Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu…”

And leave me in the kitchen with
some bush bitch with an attitude.

“Eddie!

“Eddie!

“I want to talk to you!”

“What’s your problem, baby?”

“I don’t like the way
you treat me, Eddie.

“You treat me like animal.”

“You was butt naked
on a zebra last month.”

“I don’t care, Eddie.
I am American woman now.

“I want what’s coming to me.

“Eddie, what have you
done for me lately?”

“I want you to be happy.
Well, what you want?”

“Half!

“Give me half, Eddie.
Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man.

“Suck my dick, Eddie.

“You motherfucker.”

Then I’d be on the front page
of the African Enquirer like this:

So be careful.
Don’t get caught in a trap.

Any woman can get
any man she wants

if she puts her mind and pussy to it.
They can have you.

They have figured us out. We’re very
easy creatures to figure out.

And women know all they have
to do is cater to our egos enough

and they can have you. Guys,
how many times have you fucked

some ugly bitch that just kept hanging
around and you had to fuck her?

And then afterwards you be like this,
“I can’t believe I fucked this bitch.”

They just cater to your ego.

Sometimes you’ll see
a real ugly bitch

with a handsome dude.
You say, “How that happen?”

Dude’s going,
“Yeah, how that happen?”

Because she catered to his ego.
They can figure us out.

Guys, don’t get trapped.
We’ll call them “pussy traps”.

Let’s call them pussy traps.

It’s a trap.
They trap you with the pussy.

They catch you with the pussy, see.
And it’s a trap.

The most common trap
is to not give you any, though.

Don’t think, “Maybe you’re
gonna put a trap on.”

The most common is when you ain’t
getting any at all, that’s the trap.

When you meet a woman
and everything is perfect

and she won’t do anything,
it’s a trap.

Sometimes it backfires, because a lot
of women play these games with sex.

And ladies like sex just as much as we
do, guys, but they act like they don’t.

But they do.
There’s not a woman…

There’s not a woman in this room

that wouldn’t rather be somewhere
else with a nice stiff one in them.

Don’t you let them fool you.

They like it just as much as us.
See, ladies sitting there going:

“That’s true.

“He’s funny, but he’s not that funny.

“I’ll take a dick over a smile any day.
Yes, I will.”

They like it just as much as us,
but they play these games.

Know where it backfires
on you, ladies?

When you go meet a guy,
he wants you, you want him,

you like each other,
everything is perfect,

but you won’t do anything.
He say, “Let’s go.”

You say, “No, I’m not gonna do it.”
And after that,

he don’t like you no more.
But he still wants to fuck you.

So he waits.
He be like, “Okay, I’ll wait.

“Goodnight.”
And you wait.

You wait three months.

Then you finally get it
and she’s like this, “I’m yours.”

And you go, “Fuck you, bitch!”

“Fuck you and your pussy.
Get the fuck out of my face.”

Be careful. Don’t get trapped.

The most common trap
is to not give you any.

Let me hear the men clap
that are with women

that you’ve never slept with before.
Let me hear you clap, truthfully.

Look at the ladies going,
“Stop clapping.”

Shame on you. You should’ve
fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.

Shame on you.
Y’all should’ve fucked them.

These men like you
and you just won’t do it,

because you’re trying to trap…
Guys, don’t be hurt. She likes you.

This is what is going on inside
your house every night.

“Baby, come on, now, please.”
She go, “No, stop it. Stop it. Stop.”

“Baby, come on. Would you stop?”
“Oh, stop. Can we please stop?

“Are we gonna go too far?”

“I want it to go too far.
Come on now, baby.”

“We could… Stop.
I just don’t think the time is right.”

“Well, my dick don’t get
much harder than this.

“I been waiting three months.
What’s the problem?”

“I don’t wanna fuck.
I wanna make love.

“I’ve had too many relationships that
didn’t work out. You’re special to me.

“I know all the girls do everything
that you want.

“And I don’t wanna go through…
Why are you doing this…?”

And men see those tears
and we be, “OK.

“We don’t have to do nothing.”

Then you go out and your friends be,
“Yo, man, you fuck her yet?”

“No.”

“Why not?”
“She’s special.

“She said she don’t wanna fuck,
she wanna make love.”

Which is bullshit. I mean, fucking
and making love, let’s be real.

I mean, the physical act…
I like to fuck somebody I’m in love with.

But I ain’t making love to nobody.
I get into bed…

I get into bed…

I get into bed…

When you get into bed, would you
rather have somebody say:

“Oh, make love to me”

or grab the back of your head and say,
“Fuck the shit out of me.

“You motherfucker.

“Just fuck, mother…
Fuck me, goddamn it.”

You want somebody
in the bed with you:

“Oh, darling, I want to make
love to you.” That type of shit.

“You a motherfucker…”

I’m a realist. But they’ll tell you, “I don’t
wanna fuck, I wanna make love.”

And they make you wait. And you wait
and wait and wait and wait.

And you just keep on waiting, you just
wait and finally she gives you some.

And it’s the best
you ever had in your life.

You come harder
than you’ve ever came.

“This was it. This was the feeling I’ve
been searching for. I finally made love.”

You didn’t make love.
It just felt real good. You know why?

Because you waited
five months for it.

If you’re starving and somebody
throw you a cracker,

you gonna be like this:

“Goddamn, that’s the best cracker
I ever ate in my life!

“That ain’t no regular cracker, was it?
What was that, a Saltine?

“Goddamn, that was delicious.

“That wasn’t no Saltine. That was…
That was a Ritz. That wasn’t a Ritz?

“God, that was the best cracker
I ever ate in my life.

“Can I have another one, please?
Please, one more.”

Then you get married, because
you think you’ve found the bomb.

Have the same crackers
every day for a year.

And you roll over one day
and be like:

“Hey, I just got some
regular old crackers.”

Try to leave? Half!

So be careful. Marry someone
that’s not gonna fool around on you.

Which would be hard
to do in the ‘ s,

because everybody’s
fucking each other nowadays.

It’s like Fuckfest ‘ .

Everybody… Everybody is fucking
and it really… It’s getting bad.

Let me hear the women clap that
are loyal to their men, truthfully.

Let me hear you clap.

OK, now, let me hear… Let me hear
the women clap that have men

that are loyal to them, truthfully.

Yeah, I see. Y’all some disillusioned
ladies clapping right now.

Let me hear the men clap.

Let me hear the men clap
that are loyal to their women.

Stop. You lying motherfuckers, stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.

Fuck, there ain’t no such thing as
a loyal man, you lying motherfuckers.

Stop it. Yeah, the only reason you’re
clapping is because your woman’s

sitting next to you right now
when I asked you.

When I asked the question,
she looked at you like this:

“You gonna put your hands together?

“You better stomp your feet and light
a match for this pussy, goddamn it.

“Stand up and clap.
Stand your ass up and clap.”

“She’s number one!”

Get the fuck out.
No such thing as a loyal man.

Ladies, do not be fooled. I know
some men have some strong raps

and they’ll have you believing it.
No loyal men.

All men fuck other women.

We are low by nature
and have to do it.

We are men.
All men do it.

We have to do it.
We are men. It is a man thing.

Men must find and conquer
as much pussy as they can get.

Do not think for two seconds that you
are the only one your man is fucking.

He is a man
and has to conquer women.

I see a lot of you good women
sitting out there going:

“Not my man.”
Yes, your man too.

Your man too.

If he’s not here with you tonight,
he fucking somebody.

Because he is a man.
It has nothing to do with you.

You can have the best pussy
in the world.

There can be a cape hanging
out your pussy with a big S on it.

Your man’s still gonna go fuck
somebody else, because he is a man.

It is a dick thing.
Do not try to understand it.

You have to have a dick
to understand this. We are men.

I know a lot of guys sitting out there
right now like this too:

“Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!

“I ain’t spent all my money
for this, motherfucker!”

You gonna be driving home tonight
with your wife in the car like this:

“You don’t really be fooling around like
Eddie Murphy say you do, do you?”

“No, baby. That’s just jokes.

“That Ed sure is funny, ain’t he?

“Why don’t we change the subject.
Let’s talk about something different.

“I don’t wanna talk about this stuff.”
“I do wanna talk about this stuff.

“Why does he have to lie to me?
I think he was telling the truth.

“If you fooled around, I would be so
hurt and disgusted, I would wait

“until you went to sleep, I would come
inside the room and kill you.”

- Thanks, Eddie!
- We love you!

“Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.

“I ain’t got to worry.
As much as I love you,

“I wouldn’t fool around.
Let’s talk about the Richard Pryor.”

“I don’t wanna talk about
the Richard Pryor.

“I wanna talk about this,
because if you fooled around,

“I would be so hurt,
you know what I would do?”

“What would you do, baby,
take half?”

“No, I’d wait till you went to sleep

“and I’d come inside the room
and cut your dick off.”

“Don’t be talking about
cutting off my dick.”

“Well, you don’t be putting your dick
in nobody else, then.”

“Well, I don’t play that shit. You cut off
my dick, you better run, goddamn it.

“Stop making them dick threats.”

The woman’s favorite…
Y’all always make…

The woman’s favorite threat is,
“I’ll do something to your dick.”

“If a man do this, I kick him in his nuts.
A man put his hands…

“Don’t you put your hands on me,
I’m gonna kick you where it hurts.”

Dick threats. Y’all don’t realize
how sensitive nuts are, do you?

Men don’t like to hear a threat like that.
You hear somebody:

“I’ll kick you in the nuts.”
It make you wince, be like:

“Change the subject, please.”

You don’t have to kick
no nuts to hurt nobody.

You could just graze nuts.

And the man would be fucked up.

And that pain is worse, because
it don’t set in for, like, ten seconds.

You be wondering if it’s gonna hurt.

You say, “I wonder,
did that hit my nuts, just…?”

There’s no getting around it.
“I’ll kick you in your nuts.”

You don’t have to kick.
You could just graze it.

Y’all do that… You ever have
a woman play-fight with you?

Your man get serious
when they threaten your dick.

You be, “Hey, baby, come on.”
And she go:

You say, “Hey, hey, hey.

“I think playtime is over.

“Getting a little crazy.” That’s why men
don’t like to handle babies.

Them little babies with them
high-top white shoes on

with the real hard bottoms.
When they about years old,

you pick them up
and their leg muscles be strong

and they stomp you
in the nuts with both feet.

And both of y’all be dribbling.
You be like:

And their mother think
you talking baby talk.

“Oh, that’s so cute,
the way they talking.”

“Yeah, go to your mother, please.”
“What’s the matter, he stink?”

“No, I’m about to throw
this motherfucker someplace.

“Get a little older, I’m gonna kick
you in your nuts, see how you like it.”

“I kick him in his nuts.” Always talking
about kicking somebody in the nuts.

You know what, ladies?
I had a woman ask me the other day:

“You know why I say my thing?
I wanna know why all men fool around.

“Why, why, why? I do everything
my man wants me to do

“and he still fools around. Why?
I cook, I clean, I fuck.

“I come and go as he says.
Why, why, why?”

Then you call up your girlfriends
and go, “Why?”

She go, “I don’t know.
My man ain’t home.” “Why?”

Then you call up your mother
and say, “Mama, why?”

She go, “I don’t know, your father
ain’t home.” “Why? Why?”

I’ll tell you why all men fool around.

- Why?
- Hear the ladies go, “Why?”

Men fool around because of this.

Look at all the women in the audience
right now looking up here like this:

We fool around because
we figured women out.

We did.
See, a lot of you ladies going:

“What does he mean,
he figured us out?”

And dumb niggas going, “Yeah, what
does he mean, we figured them out?”

We figured you out in this sense,
and this is true.

Anybody’s ever done this
will agree with what I’m saying.

Any woman that’s ever had this done
to her will agree what I’m gonna say.

Those of you who’ve never
done this will go, “I disagree.”

But once you make
a woman come real hard,

once you make a woman say:

No matter how bad you fuck up,
no matter what you do wrong,

no matter what you say, no matter
what you do, as long as you say:

“I’m sorry,” she will listen to your story.
And that’s the truth.

That’s the God’s honest truth.
It is the truth. Stop it. It’s the truth.

It is the truth. And, ladies, as soon
as y’all make that noise,

your relationship will change
with your man. Because we know.

We wait on that noise.
We waiting on it.

Because we know we can act different
as soon as you go:

We know we can act the fool then.
Remember when your man

couldn’t make it, he would call?
No more of that shit. He heard you go:

Remember he wanted to spend all his
free time with you? No more of that.

You made that noise.
Your man can act crazy.

We know as soon as you go:

Our face is in the pillow like this,
“I got this motherfucker now, boy.”

Then you start talking to her:

“Whose pussy is this?
Whose pussy is this?”

“Oh, it’s your pussy!
It’s your pussy!”

And your relationship changes
from that moment.

The woman be sitting on the bed,
legs shaking:

“Oh, my God.
Oh, I can’t believe it.

“I never came like that before.
I can’t believe it.”

And their man get real cold,
saying shit like:

“Why don’t you shake your ass home.”

“What are you talking about?
Why are you treating me like this?

“We have a relationship.”

“You don’t own me.”

“What do you mean?
We have a relationship.

“I thought that we go together.”

“I don’t see no rings on your finger.”

“But I love you!”

“Well, what have you
done for me lately?”

And y’all put up with it.

Y’all start putting up
with all kinds of crazy shit.

I guess it’s hard to find
somebody that knows

how to do it to you right,
because when y’all find one,

y’all stick through that man
through all kinds of bullshit.

I know a man got busted coming
out of another woman’s house.

Show you how far a woman will stoop.

He got busted coming out
of another woman’s house.

His woman saw him come out,

knew that the woman lived there
and didn’t say shit.

Wait till they got home and said:

“What the hell was you doing
in that bitch’s house?”

You know what the man said?
“Wasn’t me.”

“I looked right in your face!”

“Wasn’t me.”

“Well, I’m supposed
to be a fool, right?”

“Hey.

“Wasn’t me.”

You know what the woman said?
“Maybe it wasn’t you.”

I got a friend got busted
in his house, in his bed,

where him and his wife sleep,
with another woman, fucking!

His wife walked inside the house,
opened up the bedroom door,

saw her man in her bed
with another woman, fucking.

She walks in:

The man jumped up,
saw his woman standing there.

She ran down the hallway. Chased his
woman down the hallway butt naked

with a rock-hard dick,
talking about, “I’m sorry.”

This sound like a tragedy, right?
No, it was like this:

“Baby, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

“Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.
Wait, we got to talk.

“Baby, I am sorry.”
“No, you’re not sorry.

“I can’t believe you did this.
You have no respect for me.

“Get the fuck…
Don’t you fucking touch me.”

“Wait, baby, I am sorry.
Wait a second.”

“No, if you’re sorry,
you wouldn’t have fucked her!”

And then you change
the shit around. Right, guys?

“OK, wait a minute!

“Wait one second, goddamn it!

“Yes, I fucked her, yes.

“Is that what you want me to say?
I fucked her? I fucked her.

“We fucked, all right?
You happy now? We fucked!

“Now, let’s talk about the word ‘fuck’
for a minute.

“Because that’s a very important
word here. Fuck, yes, we did.

“Fuck. I fucked her.

“I make love to you.

“And if you gonna let a fuck
come between our love,

“there’s something really wrong
happening here, baby.”

Bullshit.

That’s the only reason
why it works.

Now, guys, I see a lot of y’all
feeling real macho,

because you may have heard
your woman make that noise

and you think you are
in control of your shit.

But I told you a half-hour ago,
women are vindictive.

Don’t you think for two seconds that if
you keep breaking this woman’s heart,

your sweet, innocent, little,
sweet, loving, darling woman,

she eventually will go out
and fuck someone else.

Don’t think she won’t.
Don’t think she won’t.

Look, all the men’s faces,
they’re like this now:

And men don’t like to picture
their woman fucking nobody.

That’s taboo. Watch the guy’s faces.
Ladies, look at them.

Guys, picture your woman
fucking your best friend.

Look at them, they’re:

Hey, your woman is like this:

I gotta tell you, be careful.
And women ain’t like us.

It’s not their nature to fool around.

Like, we’ll go out
and sneak out to the hotel

and have to wash your dick
in the sink and all that shit.

Women gonna do it classy.
They don’t fuck around like us.

It’s like, “Hey, I don’t do this often,
I’m gonna do it right.”

Know when your woman’s
gonna fool around?

You keep messing her over,
eventually she says shit like this:

“You know, I think I’m gonna go to the
Bahamas by myself for the weekend.”

And you say,
“You want me to go with you?”

She goes, “No, just me
and my girlfriends are going.

“Just me and my friends.”

And we so stupid,

we start thinking about all the pussy
we can get while she gone.

“You gonna go by yourself?”
“Yes.”

“OK.”

And send your woman off
to the romantic Bahamas by herself?

By herself to the Bahamas?

She’s walking on the beach,
she laid out all day and got a tan,

your woman is fine
and got her body looking right,

she’s walking on the beach,
crying, in the Bahamas.

Lovers on the beach making love.

She’s all by herself, walking along,
feeling sad, thinking about you

and everybody’s real romantic.
The motion of the ocean

is shimmying off…
The moon is shimmying off the ocean.

Your woman’s standing,
looking at it and crying.

And all of a sudden,
a dude named Dexter walks up.

Dexter St. Jock.

He walk up swinging his dick.

Then he do that smooth
Bahamas shit on your woman.

“What a beautiful girl like you doing
by herself on the island of love?

“This is the island for lovers.

“You should be being held
right now, girl.

“What you crying about?”

“I’m having some problems
with my boyfriend,

“so I came down here
to think it over.”

“Tell me what hotel
your man’s staying.

“I tell him that you treat
a woman like you like a princess.

“If you were my woman,
I make love to you constantly.

“What hotel this man staying in?”

“Well, he’s back in New York.”

“Is that right?

“Well, listen, girl. Won’t you
come back around my place?

“We sit down and talk it over.”

“All we gonna do is talk?”

He take your woman to his house

and roll one of them
big-ass Bahama joints.

Shit this big and shit. Put some
of that Bob Marley music on.

And y’all know Bob
be preaching this shit:

Don’t let him fool you
Oh, no

Or even try to school you
Oh, yeah

Could this be love?
And be loved

Dick swinging.

Next thing you know,
Dexter is fucking your woman.

Well.

Send your woman home
floating on air.

Walk through the door like this:
I shot the sheriff

We so stupid, we think it
was the weather. We be going:

“Hey, baby, you need
to get away more often.”

And she be like this:

And never tell you.
It’s her little secret.

All women have
a skeleton in the closet.

All women have done
something that only them

and another person knows about.
All women have one skeleton.

Even the little, sweet, innocent ones
have something that only them

and another person knows about.
All women.

Don’t be… Look at the guys,
looking at their women again like this:

“You got skeletons in your closet?

“I thought I seen a bone in your shoe.
Whose skeleton was that?”

Don’t be fooled. They all have
a skeleton in their closet.

Some of them got cemeteries
in their closet and shit.

You open the door and ravens
and shit fly out of the closet.

So be careful. Be careful.

Get somebody you gonna be
with forever.

Find somebody perfect for you.

I’m not saying they’re perfect people.
I’m saying we ain’t perfect.

Find somebody just as fucked up
as you are and settle down.

That’s what you gotta do.

If I ever get married, I got to marry
somebody with personality.

For instance, I hate those quiet,
salad-eating bitches,

those real quiet ones, you know.

The kind of women, you take
them out to dinner, you say:

“Hey, what you wanna eat?”
They go, “I’ll just have a salad.”

And you hear their stomach going:

“I don’t know why my stomach
is making that noise.”

“Because you’re hungry, bitch.”

“Why don’t you have
something to eat?”

“No, no, no. I’m fine, I’m fine.
I’ll just have a salad.”

“What you want to drink?”
“Water.”

“What movie you wanna see
after you finish eating?”

“Whatever you wanna see
is OK with me.

“As long as it’s a PG.
I hate scary movies.”

“This is my friend Bob and Karen.”
“Hi.”

“What’s your problem?”
“I’m just a little shy.”

Get your shy ass away from me.

I hate those shy bitches.
They make me sick to my mother…

I hate shy…
You know, those shy women,

those are usually the ones that have
the most skeletons in their closet.

That’s why they shy now.

Because they been raising hell
all their life, now they shy.

Think about it.
All them shy women that you meet,

they never from the town
you meet them in.

They always from somewhere else.

Then they come to your town
and get shy.

Get the fuck out of here.

They afraid to talk,
because they think a bone

is gonna fly out their mouth
or some shit.

“Hi.

“So many skeletons.”

I hate shy women. I like extroverts,
I like women with a sense of humor.

I like funny girls, funny women.

But you gotta be good-looking too.

I don’t wanna fuck no funny, ugly bitch
and shit. I’d have me in the bed going:

“Hey, baby, can you tell me
some more jokes, please?”

Gotta be a good cook.

I didn’t realize my mother was
a good cook till after I moved out.

When you’re a child, if your mother
doesn’t take you to McDonald’s,

you don’t think she can cook.
I had one of those mothers,

no matter what you want,
she has the ingredients at home.

You say, “Ma, I wanna stop
and get some McDonald’s.”

And she go,
“I got hamburger meat at home.”

“But I want McDonald’s hamburger.”

“I’ll make you a hamburger
better than McDonald’s.”

“You cook better than McDonald’s?”

“That’s right.
You can help Mama make it.”

You say, “Shit, that’s better
than McDonald’s.”

Your mother say,
“OK, go get me the big frying pan.”

So you hand her the frying pan
and she say:

“I want you to go in the refrigerator
and get the meat

and while you in there, get me a green
pepper and a onion.” And you say:

“Ain’t no green peppers
at McDonald’s.”

“I’m not making McDonald’s,
I’m making Mama’s burger.

“I need a green pepper and an onion
and get me an egg out too.”

“What you need eggs for?

“I want hamburgers.

“You making Egg McMuffins.”

“I’m not making an Egg McMuffin.
I don’t know what no Egg McMuffin is.

Just get me the egg
and shut your mouth.”

She take the egg and
the green peppers

and chop the peppers up
in big chunks.

Don’t even dice it. Big chunks
of green peppers and onion

and mix the egg in and put
paprika and all this shit in it

and make a big meatball and put it
in the middle of this frying pan.

At McDonald’s, the meat is this thin.
Your mother’s shit is like this or fatter.

Green peppers hanging
out of it and shit.

And there’s a big split in the middle
and grease is popping out.

You’re looking at it while it’s popping.

You’re looking at the grease
in the pan and thinking:

“That don’t look like no McDonald’s.”

Then your mother say, “Go inside
the refrigerator and get me the bread

out of the bread box.” And you go
look in the bread box and you say:

“Ma, we don’t have
no hamburger buns.

“All we have is Wonder Bread.”

“That’s what I said. Get the bread
out of the bread box.”

“You gonna put it
on square Wonder Bread?”

“Bread is bread. Bring me
that bread before I slap you.

“Don’t tell me about Wonder Bread.

“As much as that bread costs,
don’t tell me about Wonder Bread.

“This is Wonder Bread.
A hamburger is a hamburger.”

And she’d make it and put it in
the middle of square Wonder Bread.

At McDonald’s, they use buns,
the meat covers the whole bread.

At your mother’s, the meat’s right
in the middle of the bread,

with grease running
through the middle,

making the bread stick
to the plate.

This big green pepper
is hanging out the top

of this big meatball on the bread.

And you try to put some ketchup on it
and it mixes with the grease,

turn the bread into pink dough.

Then you grab it
and get fingerprinted

and you got big, pink fingerprints
in the dough.

You stand there looking at it and you
try to make it look like McDonald’s,

so you rip the edges off around it,
make it round.

And you got green peppers and
grease running down your hand.

And your mother say,
“Now, go on outside and play.”

And the other kids got McDonald’s.

They outside going,
“We got McDonald’s hamburgers.

“McDonald’s. McDonald’s.

“I got McDonald’s.”

And you standing there
with this big “house burger”.

And kids are honest.

They say, “Where you get that
big, welfare, green-pepper burger?”

And you cry.

“My mother made it.”

And long slob…
When little kids cry,

some long slob come
out of their mouth

and it hangs this far to the ground.
And it won’t break.

And adults stand around going,
“That slob gonna break?”

And it won’t.
The wind can blow that slob:

You know where you see kids crying?
I do it all the time, I’m sadistic.

I like to go to supermarkets
and watch mothers lose it

and beat the shit out of their kids.

Party at the Loft!

I was at the Loft. You know why
I ain’t dancing at the Loft?

I had just got over some shit.
I go to parties…

I went to a white disco recently
and I watched the white people dance.

Y’all… Y’all can’t dance.

No, it’s not… I’m not being racist.
I mean, I mean…

It’s like saying black people
have thick lips.

That’s not racist.
It’s true. We have thick lips

and white people can’t dance.

And y’all be trying.
Y’all be really…

Do y’all listen to the words
or the beat?

Because y’all be… I really…
I tell you, every time you see a black…

When you go to a white club, you see
five or six brothers just standing.

You ask, “Why are those
niggers in here?”

They watching y’all dance.

“Look at these crazy motherfuckers.”

Y’all got one dance y’all can do.
Y’all can do this shit, like this:

But y’all don’t do no moves,
it’s just this:

Y’all do some shit like this,
you be fucked up. You’d be:

“Oh, shit…”

And white people, y’all step
on each other’s feet.

Brothers, we go to the disco,
get all fucked up,

you’re stepping and hitting and…

Brothers got some dance.
They be doing this with their heads.

Some shit like that.

If the white people do that,
they’ll kill each other. They be like:

“Sorry.”

“Let’s stick with this.”

I was in the club, man.
I stopped going…

I ain’t dancing at the Loft
because I had a fight recently

and I said I ain’t dancing.
I went to clubs…

People get drunk, go to clubs
and start fighting.

I had a fight with an Italian dude

right around the time
Rocky came out.

Italians… White people, period, y’all
go crazy after y’all see a Rocky movie

because y’all believe that shit.

Because the movies are
so emotional and so real,

you sit there and go like,
“Hey, this is real.”

And Stallone have y’all white
people pumped, especially Italians.

After Italians see Rocky, they come
out the movie theater, they be like…

Italians are funny people, because
they act like niggas. It’s funny.

They do. They hold
their dick more than us.

They be standing around,
“Get the fuck out of here.”

“It’s right here, all right?
What? Hey, fuck you, all right?”

Everything is a question too.
“Hey, what am I, an asshole?

“What am I, a fucking jerk?
Get the fuck out of here.

“It’s right here, all right?”

After they see Rocky, they come out
of the theater charged.

They be like,
“All right, Rock-O!

“All right, Sly!”

“All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!”

Go up to the people
standing on line and shit.

“Hey, paisan, you going in to see
Rocky right now?”

“Yeah.”
“It’s a great fucking movie.

“It’s great.

“You gonna like this.
When Sly comes out,

“he breaks this big
fucking nigger’s face.

“He busts it fucking wide open.

“Fucking melanzane laying
on the floor, fucked up.

“It’s fucking great. I fucking
love it, man. All right, Rock-O!

“At the end of this picture, now,
just between you and I,

“I don’t wanna ruin the surprise,
but Sly wins this one again.”

“You know what I like
about Stallone’s movies?

“The realism. Because that’s the way
you gotta treat those fucking moolies.

“They think they can fucking push you
around, ‘Oh, you big hotshot,’

“get the fuck out of here.

“Get the fuck out of my face
with that shit.

“That’s what I like about Sly.
He goes in

“and the moolies are beating him
and he don’t fucking go down,

“he comes in and he cracks
the fucking moolie’s hole like this.

“He falls on the ground. You know,
you can really fucking do that.

“You see that fucking big melanzane
standing over there?

“See that black guy over there
at the line getting candy?”

“Yeah.” “All right. Now,
he’s about ‘ “. I’m ‘ “.

“I ain’t no big guy, all right?

“But I’m Italian. Watch this.
You watch this, all right?

“Hey, excuse me, brother.

“Hey, let me have a box of Juji Fruits

“and let me have some Bon Bons.

“I think I’ll have some
Bon Bons there.

“And let me have some
Junior Mints.

“And give me another box
of Juji Fruits.

“And the nigger’s gonna pay for it.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said, moolie.
Pay for my fucking candy…

“…or I’ll kick your ass.”

“Oh, you just saw Rocky.

“Look, little Italian white man.

“I enjoy Sylvester Stallone’s
movies too.

“But I’m waiting to get some candy
and I’m gonna go see a movie.

“Why don’t you just go hop in your
IROC Z- and take your ass home.”

“I’ll kick your fucking ass.”

Then they hear that Rocky music.

Hour later:

“He’s not gonna make it.

“The big nigger named Abdullah’s
hand wrapped around his throat.

“And a box of Juji Fruits rammed
up his ass. He’s not gonna make it.

“He’s fucked up.”

That’s who I had a fight with.
An Italian.

Those are the worst white people to
fight, especially around Rocky time.

Because I was in a discotheque talking
to Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.

Don’t ask me why.

We were there kicking it
and this Italian dude

was there with his girlfriend
and she is looking at me or Deney.

Italians don’t play that shit.
You hear the shit they say

to their girlfriends? “What the fuck
you looking over there for?

“Don’t tell me you’re not looking.
I just saw you.

“You been looking over there
all fucking night.

“You look over there again
and I’m gonna pick up a glass

“and shove it in your fucking mouth.
Don’t look over there. No, you shut up.

“You’re making me look
like an asshole.

“Don’t you ever disrespect me.
Don’t you ever.

“Hey, shut up. Don’t you ever…
I’ll fucking kick your ass inside here.

“What are you looking at a fucking
dancer and a melanzane for?

“You know I’ll kick his moolie ass.”
He pushed me.

Black people from New York have
this trick we use on white people.

It works.
Even if you can’t fight,

you have to act like you can fight,

because that gets you out
of a lot of fights.

It works.
If you have some problem…

Walk up to a white dude and
step on his foot. And he says:

“Hey, you got a problem?” You go,
“Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem!”

“I just lost my motherfucking job

“to a white man, look just like you!

“So I say I’m gonna step on some feet
till I feel I’ve redeemed myself.

“You got a problem?”

And white guys will go,
“Hey, I didn’t know about your job.”

They leave and brother
be standing there like this:

“That was close.

“I almost got fucked up.”

So I know you gotta act
like you can fight.

First, you make your voice
go up an octave

and act real confused.
And mumble:

“What the fuck this
motherfucker trying…?

“Yo, you don’t put your
motherfucking hand, no…

“Mind your motherfucking business.
I’ll bust your motherfucking ass.

“Don’t you never put your hands…
Shut the fuck up.

“What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?

“You know I’ll bust you…
Get the fuck off me.

“I’ll bust your motherfucking ass too.
Mind your motherfucking business.

“You want some, motherfucker?
You want some?

“Then make a move, then.
Make a move.

“Yeah, you better walk away, mother…
I’ll bust your pussy ass too.

“You never put your
motherfucking hands on me.

“What the fuck is your problem?
What’s your problem, huh?

“You got a problem?
Well, I’m gonna settle your problem.

“I’m gonna settle your problem,
motherfucker!”

And the dude did like this,
“Come on!”

I was stuck.

I was standing there like this now.

Dude said, “Come on,
that’s the way I like it.”

I didn’t know what to do, because
I could act like I could fight good.

I’m an actor, I ain’t no fighter.

You put me in a movie where
I’m the star, I’ll kick your ass.

This is real shit.
He’s going, “Come on.”

I was frozen, man.
I was standing there,

my ego jumped out
of my body and said,

“Punch him in the face, Ed.”

I said, “I ain’t punching nobody.”

My ego said,
“Well, give me your hand.”

Clocked that boy in his eye.

Boy fell on the deck holding his eye,

he was all fucked up.
I looked at my ego, I said:

“What the fuck you do that for?”

Ego said, “Because you’ve got
an image to uphold.

“You kicked the dude’s ass.
Relax.”

The dude was laying there,
holding his eye.

My ego said, “Now talk some shit
so people know not to mess with you.”

And I was like, “Yeah.

“I’m tired of people messing with me.”

“Now tell them if somebody else move,
you gonna kick their ass.”

“If somebody else move,

“I’m gonna kick their ass?”

“Do some rhyme with your name.
That always scares white people.”

“Because I’m Ed

“and if you mess with Ed,
you be dead.”

“That’s all right. Just worry about…
Shit, you doing fine.

“You just relax, don’t worry.
Just be cool.

“Ain’t nobody gonna move after
they seen you kick this dude’s ass.

“Just relax and cool out.”
I start cooling out. My ego said:

“Every now and then you
gotta whip somebody’s ass,

“let them know where you stand.”
I said, “Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

I ain’t see this dude’s brother
standing behind me.

And he has seen Rocky too.

And he swung around my back

and punched me in the mouth…

…real, real hard.

Because the punch said:

And my ego said, “What was that?!”

I said, “I don’t know.”
And my lip said, “Hey, fellas!”

So I’m standing there
with my lips hanging down,

looking like J.J. From
Good Times and shit.

And I ain’t know what to do,
so I scream for security.

I said, “Security!”

And that’s when one of my boys
jumped over the table

like Linc Hayes from
the Mod Squad

and grabbed that boy
and started going:

Boy hit the deck. My boy jumps up
and starts fucking this boy up

and his brother woke up, jump on top
of my boy and started kicking his ass.

Then somebody says,
“Fight in the back!”

And all the people,
the bouncers, came

and saw two niggers
fighting two white guys.

They jump on the niggers.
“You niggers have to learn

“to stop fucking up our club.
Didn’t we let you in here, nigger?

“We saw you laughing while
we were dancing. We saw you.”

Then all the brothers saw white
guys beating up two black guys,

“Hey, you can’t beat up the brothers.”
They jump in the fight.

Then it looked like white guys
fighting black guys,

it was a big race war and suntan lotion
and Jheri-curl juices shooting all over.

And at the end of the fight,
everybody sued me.

Everybody claimed
I whipped their ass.

I’m ‘ “. I weigh pounds.
I can’t whip a disco’s ass by myself.

Even people that didn’t fight sued me.

People that watched the fight
was in court.

“No, I didn’t actually fight,
but I was there watching.

“And it was a discotheque
and a strobe light fell off the ceiling,

“creating a weird effect
with the mirror

“and I saw this
and my eyes were sprained,

“the eyes, and I need million
for my sprained eyes.”

Brothers sued me. Yo, man,
the brothers came out and sued.

I was like, “Ain’t no brothers
gonna sue me.” Brothers sued Ed.

The brothers went to get paid.
I was, “Brothers don’t sue brothers.”

They was like, “Fuck that.
I’m getting paid, motherfucker.”

Brothers went to court,
got educated on the judge.

All of a sudden they was like,
“State your case.”

“Yes, Your Honor, on the evening
in question, per se, Your Honor.

“Yo, check it out, Your Honor.
I was inside the disco.

“Cooling, right?
I went in with my girlie, right?

“My girl start illing,
‘Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.’

“Start acting all tipsy and shit.
I say, ‘Where? ‘ She say, ‘Over there.’

“I say,
‘Fuck that big-nose motherfucker.

‘I make my money just like him.’
Right, Your Honor?

“I don’t give a fuck.
I ain’t getting on nobody.

“So, Your Honor, check it out, right?
What happened then, right?

“I say, ‘Yo, what you want, me go over,
get the motherfucker autograph? ‘

“I got the autograph for my girlie.

“I walked over and said,
‘Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.’

“Then Ed say, ‘I ain’t signing
a motherfucking thing.

‘Fuck you and your ugly bitch.’
I say, ‘Yo, Ed.

‘I’ll bust your ass
for saying shit like that.’

“He say, ‘Motherfucker, I… ‘
And he ran over to my woman

“and slap her in the face,
Your Honor.

“Then he slap me and
my man in the face.

“All three of us, like
the Three Stooges, Your Honor.

“Twelve million.

“Twelve!” I was disgusted.

“Yeah, Your Honor.
Give us half his shit.”

I was mad. I called my mother up.
You know how you do.

When you get depressed,
you call your mother.

You get your ass whipped,
first you call home.

I call my mother’s house.
Because you wanna hear:

“It’s gonna be all right, baby.
It’s gonna be fine.

“You just come on home. Stop crying.
I’ll cook you something to eat.

“I’ll cook you one of them
big old hamburgers

“I used to make before.
You just come on home.”

And you want that burger
when you get older.

I called my mother’s house,
it was a Friday night,

the phone rang for a half-hour.

Which meant my pops was home, and
on the weekends, my pops gets drunk.

I was praying he wouldn’t
answer the phone,

because I’m bleeding,
my lips are swollen,

people walking by going,
“Jimmie Walker.”

I’m going, “No, I’m Ed.
I just had a fight.”

So I’m praying my father
wouldn’t answer the phone.

And I picture this is going on,
my pops is home like this, drunk:

“This is my house!

“It’s my house
and I don’t give a fuck!

“You know something?
Hey, I’m drunk, Lil.

“Lil? I’m drunk.
And you know something?

“It’s beautiful.

“It’s beautiful, Lil. In my heart
and my soul, I’m drunk.

“You know something, fuck it.

“Because if I wanna drink
something in my house, fine.

“You don’t like it,
get the fuck out of my house.

“I pay the bills for this motherfucker.
I wanna drink something, I drink.

“Hey, Lil, you gonna
answer this telephone?

“Do you hear the phone ringing?

“Lil!

“That’s the phone, motherfucker.
That’s not me.

“No, I’m not answering shit.

“I pay the bills.
I’m gonna answer the phone too?

“Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell
up in this motherfucker?

“You better answer this telephone.

“Lil, answer the phone.
Goddamn it, look…

“Shit, I’m watching the fights, Lil.

“Are you…?
You’re not gonna answer it?

“OK. Fine.
Don’t touch the phone no more, Lil.

“Since you can’t get up off your ass
and answer the phone,

“you can’t touch the phone.
Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian.

“No more phone for you.
Your phone privileges are cut off.

“I’m gonna write that down
and put it on the fridge.

“That’s the new rules in the house.

“I’m gonna take the old rules off
and put new rules up.

“You gonna listen to me
when I tell you to do something.

“We gonna put new rules up.
We gonna put rules up. Rules up.

“Rules. Rules.

“One, ‘Lillian cannot use the phone.’

“Two, ‘Lillian cannot… ‘

“Since you’re such a smart
motherfucker,

“you can’t go outside anymore either.

“Cannot go outside ever again.

“Now, put the rules up, Lillian.

“You abide by my rules
and my regulations, goddamn it.

“And the rules say
‘No phone and no outside.’

“And I don’t give a fuck if the
motherfucking house is burning down.

“If I come home and a fireman
putting the house out, I say:

‘How you find out the house
was burning? ‘

‘We got a call from your wife,’
I kick your motherfucking ass.

“You’re in this house to stay!
You’ll burn up in this motherfucker.

“No, Lillian, where you going? Didn’t
I just say you couldn’t go no place?

“How the hell you gonna
go somewhere…?

“You’re not going to Shirley’s house
to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.

“Take your coat off. No, you can’t
go no place because I said so.

“The rules say ‘no outside.’ I know you
wanna leave, that’s why you can’t go.

“You better call and tell her
you’re not coming.

“You can’t use my phone.

“I don’t know.
You better lift up the window

“and scream your
motherfucking head off.

“But you’re not… I don’t give…

“You’re not going no place.
You’re not going no place.

“Because I know you wanna leave.
That’s why. I know you wanna leave.

“I know you wanna leave.”

I got one of those fathers
who gets drunk and sings

old Motown songs to you
in his argument,

fucks up the lyrics
and thinks he’s saying it right.

“I know you wanna leave me

“But I refuse to let you go, Lillian”

Then he fuck up,
think he’s saying it right.

“If I have to beg and plead
Do the symphony

“I don’t mind because it means
That much to me

“You’re not going no place.

“You be right here in this
motherfucker, Lil.

“Watching the ships roll in

“Then you watch them
Roll away again

“Lillian

“Because I put the rules up.
Like Diana Ross say,

“It’s my house
I live here

“And she sing in Spanish too, Lillian:
En my casa, I… Yo vivo aqui

“This is my house!
I don’t give a fuck!

“Do you hear this phone? I’m gonna
answer, because I know it’s Shirley.

“And you not supposed to let
a phone ring for a half-hour.

“You let it ring two or three times
and hang it up.

“That’s a lonely bitch at the end
of that line. I’m gonna tell her.

“Hello? Shirley? Bitch, if you ever
let my phone ring like this again…

“Shir…? What’s wrong…?
Hey, what’s wrong with you?

“What you crying about?
Eddie, what’s…?

“Eddie, what’s wrong with you?

“What? You had a fight?!
Lillian, get my pistol.

“Who you have a fight with?

“What? A disco? With Deney Terrio?

“Fuck you doing with Deney Terrio?

“And Jimmie Walker?
And your lips? And you shot…

“What? Lillian, Eddie had a fight
in a disco with Deney Terrio

“and shot Jimmie Walker.

“He shot him in the lips, Lil.

“Eddie, why’d you shoot
Jimmie Walker in his lips?

“I like Good Times.

“Oh, you took a shot in your lips?

“And you look like Jimmie Walker?
Oh, that’d do it.

“Who punched you in the lips?
Italian? For what?

“What you mean ‘nothing’? Nobody get
punched for nothing. What’d you do?

“Don’t tell me ‘nothing’.
You had to do something.

“What did you do?
No, don’t tell me ‘nothing’.

“Nobody gets punched for nothing.
What…? Eddie…

“No, don’t say ‘nothing’. Eddie.
Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

“Had to do something

“Motherfucker punched you
In the mouth

“Now, what did you do?
What?

“Eddie. No… Eddie, then it’s something
that you did a long time ago.

“Didn’t I always tell you,
you reap what you sow? Yes.

“What goes around comes around,
Eddie.

“Yes, that’s why that man punch you
in your mouth tonight,

“for something you did
a long time ago.

“Yes, Eddie.
Well, you give what you get.

“You get what you give.
That’s why that man…

“Eddie. What do you mean,
you don’t remember what you did?

“He probably punched you
for something you did

“when you was living here.

“I didn’t catch everything that you did.
I worked all day, you played all day.

“Eddie, who broke that lamp in ?

“It was you! Yes, it was. That’s why
that man kick your ass tonight.

“I’d appreciate if you go up and tell him
that your father says ‘Thank you.’

“Save me a trip to California.
Because you never respect me.

“You never listen to what
I tell you to do.

“I put rules on the refrigerator
and you never obey my rules.

“Me and your mother want respect.

“You, Charlie and Vernon could not
respect me and your mother.

“All we wanted was some respect.
All we asked for was a little respect.

“How come you can’t respect me?
How come?

“I’m a man. I want respect.
I want respect, Eddie.

“What we want
Baby, you got it

“What we need
I know you got it

“Because all I’m asking

“Is for a little respect, motherfucker

“When you come on home, baby
Hold on a minute.

“The kiss is sweeter than honey

“R-E-S-Z-C-P
Find out what you mean to me

“R-E-C-C-T-T-P

“Motherfucker,
you know how to spell it!

“Respect. You never had no
respect for me, Eddie.

“That’s why the man kick your ass.
And when I was a child,

“I respect my parents.
And we didn’t have shit. Okay?

“I had shit, Eddie. Me and my brothers
and sisters didn’t have shit.

“I had brothers and sisters, Eddie.
My father made cents a week.

“He worked at the Coleco toy factory,
Eddie, and made cents a week.

“That’s not a lot of money
when you have children.

“We didn’t have all the fancy things
like you, Charlie and Vernon.

“We didn’t have fancy luxuries
like food.

“What the fuck you gonna eat
on cents a week?

“We had to eat whatever my father
brought home from work.

“We ate the toys, Eddie.

“We ate the toys
and we never complained,

“because my mother
could cook her ass off.

“My mother get some hot sauce
and some salt and pepper,

“make a Tonka truck
taste so delicious.

“The wheels will melt
in your mouth, Eddie.

“And you appreciate it.
You never complained.

“It was all for one and one for all.
We stuck together.

“I only hurt my brothers
and sisters once.

“I came home from school
and my mother had made

“a birthday feast for my father.

“She had cooked and slaved
over the stove all day

“and made enough food
for people to feast on

“for my father for his birthday
and I sat down and ate it all by myself.

“I ate it all, Eddie, by myself.
And my father came inside the kitchen,

“put his little birthday hat on
and he looked at all the children.

“He had a tear in his eye
and he said,

‘Which one of you kids sat down

‘and ate a whole fucking game
of Monopoly by yourself? ‘

“And I ate it all, Eddie!

“Boardwalk, Park Place,
Illinois Avenue,

“the shoe, the boat,
the hat, the cannon,

“Connecticut Avenue,
Luxury Tax,

“Eddie, I even ate those cheap
purple motherfuckers after ‘Go’…

“…that nobody buys.
I ate them.

“I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue.
Yes, I did.

“I did, and I sat down and ate
my father’s birthday cake too.

“No, we couldn’t afford a cake.

“It was two Etch-A-Sketches
on top of each other.

“Two Etch… Etch-A-Sketch cake.
That’s right.

“We couldn’t afford no icing,

“so my mother would write ‘Happy
Birthday Pop’ on the Etch-A-Sketch.

“Know how you made a wish?
You shook it till the words disappeared,

“then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch.

“And that was your birthday cake.
And we never complained.

“We were happy to get that.
All for one and one for all.

“We would get dressed to go to school.
Let me tell you about our clothes.

“We had to wear whatever my father
brought home from work, Eddie.

“We wore the toys!

“Each day my mother would wake up
and open Twister games, Eddie.

“She would roll the Twister mats
on the floor.

“Me and my brothers and sisters

“would wrap the Twister mats
around our body like a suit.

“Then we get a Hot Wheels racetrack
and put that around our waist as a belt.

“And if there was no Hot Wheels,
we used Johnny Lightning.

“And if there was no Johnny Lightning,
we ripped up a Hula Hoop

“and put that around our waist.
But we went to school, goddamn it.

“Other children would make fun of us
because we got on Twister suits.

“And it’s no fun to get your ass
kicked in a Twister mat.

“Right foot, blue. Left hand, red, Eddie.
It was a goddamn game to these kids.

“I’m standing on the corner,

“a motherfucker is spinning the
spinner and kicking my ass, Eddie.

“Then I gotta go to school and watch
the other children eat real food.

“I gotta watch them eat peanut butter
and jelly, bologna and Swiss,

“ham and cheese. I got a goddamn
Silly Putty sandwich.

“Then, for dessert, they’re gonna
pull out a Hostess cupcake

“and I gotta eat a goddamn Slinky?

“A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie,
I ate so many Slinkys,

“every time I hear the motherfucking
Slinky song,

“it make me sick to my stomach.

“They walk downstairs
Alone and in pairs

“And make a clinkety sound

“A thing, a thing, a marvelous thing
Everyone knows it’s Slinky

“A Slinky, a Slinky
A wonderful, wonderful toy

“A Slinky, a Slinky
They’re fun for a girl and a boy”

Bye-bye, I gotta go.
Thank you.